I have a confession to make. I lie. I lie quite a lot. The truth is also that I lie less after having received my autism diagnosis. My lies are mostly about myself. I claim understand something even when I don’t. I say I’m fine when I’m really not. Sometimes I lie to blend in. Sometimes I fake having an interest in men. When I was younger I forced myself to watch Dawson’s Creek just to keep up with my classmates’ interests. I would have preferred to watch comedies and cartoons. I also lie because it’s the smoothest way to keep a conversation going. I lie to tell people what they want to hear, because otherwise my scripts fall apart, and I can’t continue the conversation. I lie about my health to get people off my back and stay away from the mess that is healthcare.
In a way, I lie both to save myself and others. As I’ve come to understood, contrary to popular belief, lying is quite common among adult autistics. Often for the same reasons as above. It becomes a way survive when no one else understands or believes us. You know, and we’re oh so close to falling into the abyss.
All this leaves me with a problem. A kinda big one. I am doing my arbetsprövning, that is having my capacity for work measured. I am hoping for it to be 50% / 20 hours a week. 50% seemed low when I started, but after over a year with financial etc problems, I’m worried that 20 hours a week will be too much. If I’m correct, Arbetsförmedlingen / the Unemployment Office will write a report, as well as my doctor (whoever this is, I don’t have a GP because that would require to find one in the first place. This will screw me over, probably). Anyhow, they also want input and feedback from me. I hate it. i have no ide of what am I supposed to share. How honest am they want me to be. How can I soften the blow for everyone involved? I would really like to do this, and it requires that I lie.
Honestly, everything about this makes me unsure. Working, or any reoccurring activity is taxing because of stress and anxiety. And that’s just mentally and physically preparing and travelling to a workplace, before I even step out the door. I often wake up with stomach ache and I’m too stressed to eat. I don’t sleep well because of anxiety.
Then it’s work. I need to be able to work, but I also know I will never be 100% comfortable. I feel unsafe outside of my own home. How much energy am I supposed to have when I get back home? I’m not feeling well, I haven’t been able to think clearly for quite a while. Is this something I should mention?
I have spent my entire life lying to others about this kind of things. To peers to avoid being bullied. To my parents to keep them happy and content and therefore not paying much attention to me. To healthcare personnel. To myself. And now I’m trying to figure out what to do with my report. How honest should I be? I know this report is for my own sake, but I’m tired of being constantly monitored and frankly I’m starting to not care anymore. I don’t want everyone else to decide everything concerning my life. Therefore, I want my answers to give predictable results and this is how I want to tailor them. I don’t really care about how truthful my report will be. I do find this sad, but at the same time logical.